The unofficial attitude

9 04 2008

This blog is my own. It’s not official. It doesn’t represent Out in Jersey magazine or any other organization. Basically, I’m talking to myself. If anyone else wants to creep in and listen, that’s fine. It is going to be entirely random and probably full of nonsense. (You decide)

I’m going to start with a few words about talking urinal cakes. What? You think I’m making this up already? Well, no. As a matter of fact, the State of New mexico’s Department of Transportation has ordered 500 urinal cakes @ $21 each, to be distributed to bars and restaurants around the state, each cake having a motion sensing chip in it that starts chatting you up as soon as you get close enough to get down to business. Isweartogod, I’m NOT making this up! A flirty, woman’s voice says “hey big guy, having a few drinks? Think you’ve had one too many? Then it’s time to call a cab or a sober friend for a ride home.” Even an organization as official as the NMDOT couldn’t resist the urge to get cute and the message ends with the words “your future is in your hand.” OMG! This is an idea whose time has come! The possibilities are limitless. I’m looking for investors to start a personal urinal cake business. For starters, It is the answer to so many hook-up challanges. You park yourself in a stall, wait for a hot guy to come in and activate the cake by remote. As soon as he gets busy, the cake chirps “wow! That’s huge! Do you come here often? Are you busy tonight? Write your number on the wall. I’ll call you.” That’s only the begining. Think of the commercial possibilites. You’ve got a captive audience standing there for a good two or even three minutes. You can sign up a bunch of bars, get the X on their urinals, then franchise the cake messages to advertisers. “Hi there! This is Maxine Bleachblond, your neighborhood real estate agent, asking if it isn’t time you thought about owning your very own toilet – one with a house around it. No more using nasty public rest rooms for you after you’ve made me your personal real estate agent!” Then there’s the televangelist aspect. “Look down there at that instrument of SIN you’re holding in your hand and REFLECT, you wicked man, on  how many times that there APPENDAGE OF EVIL has caused JE-ZUSSS to weep for your lost soul! Take down this phone number and call us TODAY here at the World-Wide Ministry of Merchandise and sign up for a love-offering of a regular, tax deductable, automatic withdrawal of the piddlin’ sum of $50 a month and we will send you absolutely free, a copy of this new book and DVD showing how you don’t stand a chance of gettin’ to Heaven unless you up that offering to $75 a month. Only $29.95 for shippin’ and handlin'” Oral roberts will jump at this. There’s a fortune to be made here. And urinal cakes are just the begining.

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7 responses

10 04 2008
Perry Brass

For a moment, I thought that urinal cakes were things you ate in the john. I guess that shows how far behind the times I am. But the idea of talking urinal cakes makes sense, now that we are in the Post-Privacy Era. We have no privacy, but little intimacy or real moral vigilance; so there are lots of daily contradictions to live with.

10 04 2008
Rose Mary Shelon

Tobie – If anyone deserved to be in the blog-o-sphere, it is you. You humor needs to go global. I hope the world appreciates it.

RMS

10 04 2008
Jay

Hi Toby,
Well…This must be the first time in my entire, long, under-funded, dimly lit but with a bright glowing center, self-absorbed life that I’ve ever thought of a urinal cake (you’re talking about the giant perfumed disinfectant aspirin commonly found eroding away in the bottom of a men’s room stand-up fixture, right?) when I wasn’t actually watching myself raining down a torrent of glad-to-get-rid-of-it splashing piss on top of one’s fragrant exposed flank.
Normally, I bring myself up to a urinal happy to have navigated to it from, say, the car in a parking lot on the side of the turnpike, or, under better circumstances, from a chair at a table in a pub after I’ve discovered that my bladder was incontestably full, glad to have found one that was unused, free of discoloration and numerous small creatures upset at having their wanderings interrupted and scampering for places to hide, and expectant that shortly my pressing bladder will be happily relaxed.
It’s at that point when I automatically look for and generally find the the big germ killing pill lying in the muck at the bottom of the unit right next to, and sometimes on top of, the screen covered drain.
Thinking about it right now for the first time ever, when not in actual view of one, I suppose I have to admit to some moments of disappointment for those times when the urinal had no pill in it. What did you call it? A Puck? A Tablet? A Cake!!
But ordinarilly I find one there where I expect to see it, and that make me appreciate my good fortune that I’m standing at an attended urinal, a safe urinal, a urinal that is awash in disinfecting vapors and fumes that give me the peace of mind to know that after I’ve left my waste in the recepticle, I will leave without carrying away a host of microbial passengers who want to make my acquaintance and meet my family and move in with us. In other words, the act of relieving myself in the company of a sanitary cupcake is a very positive experience, but it is also the sort of event that never gets to linger in my short term memory. I dismiss the encounter entirely as soon as I look up to encounter the flush scheme, and never bring it up for review again.
But here I am now reflecting upon that disregarded familiarity, those countless encounters, prompted by the subject matter of your first ever blog.
I should point out that you, sir, have brought many, many things to my attention and that you have been the source of much wonder and delight in my narrow little world. As a consequence, when you start to go on about urinal cakes, I pay attention. I am all ears. I intuit that I want to hear more.
But I have to ask myself – Is there, was there, something else going on in my life moments before Urinal Cakes were brought to my attention? And after answering to myself in the affirmative, I need to ask a second question – Should I prioritize this or the other thing that I was doing?
How about if I skirt the question and the answer? I’ll go back to what I was doing, and I will trust to your unfailing wisdom to continue my education about urinal cakes, or NOT, at your discretion, nevertheless thrilled that you have brought them to the forefront of my attention for these few precious moments.
I’m entirely ignorant of blogs. I never look at any, don’t have any favorites, never talk about them, don’t know anyone in my day to day life who consorts with them, so I’ll pay attention to yours and will as usual learn a lot.
We still have snow in the yard and in the neighborhood, and the roads are like Seaside Heights from all the sand laid down during the winter months. But damn the snow. Damn the sand. I’ve had the bike on the road since Sunday. Hooray.
Your Serv’t., Sir,
Jay

10 04 2008
tobygrace

In the comment section, a Mr. Jay S. writes about the warm sense of security he derives from seeing that little white cake nesting in the sanitary facility of his choice. He further writes that he seeks more instruction regarding the role this humble item plays in our lives. Well now – I don’t mean to go on and on about urinal cakes. I mean, I wouldn’t want anyone to get the notion that there is some sort of unhealthy fetish thing going on here. I do not want to end up as the person people point to in the Shop Rite and whisper “that’s the urinal cake guy.” Its just not an “A” list sort of reputation. However, I can not in conscience forebear responding to the heart-felt call of a fellow seeker of truth. Mr. Jay S. wants more about urinal cakes and he shall have it. To begin with, I do not see why New Mexico should steal a march on our beloved New Jersey in this sort of high-tech matter. Jersey is always in the forefront of science and our leadership position must be upheld. Accordingly, I called the New Jersey Dept. of Transportation to see what their plans are in this regard. I knew of course that NJDOT would be all too well aware of New Mexico’s leap forward in cake-tech and would be getting ready to recapture our front runner position.

Me: Hi. I’m calling to find out if DOT is planning to get out in front of New Mexico in the matter of talking urinal cakes.

DOT: Your call is important to us. Our menu options have changed. Please listen carefully.

Me: I’m glad you agree this is an important matter. I must confess I hadn’t even thought of offering a menu of urinal cakes but now that you mention it, it makes sense. Choice is what our diverse culture is all about! Would that be a menu of colors? I guess flavors is probably not what you’re thinking of – or at least I hope not. Or would it be a menu of recorded messages? Something for the depressed perhaps? A few uplifting, cheery words of encouragement? “There’s my big boy – you can do this. You’ve done it before – it isn’t hard…” Or maybe a little well meant discipline? “Take aim, will you? Be careful there. Someone has to clean this up y’know!”

DOT: If you know your party’s extention, you can dial it now.

Me: Wow! I hadn’t thought about the idea that this could lead to an extended party but you’re right! You get, say, a dozen or so urinal cakes, all chatting away in your typical Turnpike service area, maybe some of them singing show tunes and so on – certainly it would be a party atmosphere. It really could make those rest stops happening locations. Well…come to that, I guess they already are, even with Governor MacGreevey out of circulation now.

DOT: All of our representatives are busy serving other callers.

Me: Well thanks very much for your time and all of this great news. Best of luck with your revolutionary developments in cake-tech.

11 04 2008
B. Wolfhopper

This is preposterous.

I may be considered a Luddite for my slightly impersonal and oftentimes caustic approach to technology, but what the hell good is communicating with a urinal cake? If I’m to believe their uses are going to be in areas familiar with the consumption of certain liquids, wouldn’t this lead to unspeakable consequences?

Say, for instance, strapping young Cameron walks into the bathroom after imbibing a more-than-friendly amount of his favorite liquor. He’s got a good head on his shoulders, and certainly isn’t driving anywhere soon– but simple, naive Cameron is quite the impressionable type. He starts hearing the voice of a hot young woman (we are assuming audible seduction is synonymous or at least intimately correlated to physical beauty and well-oiled youth). Slowly, his golden voyage is turned into a sexual game of hide-and-seek. “Hey,” he whispers gently into the porcelain, “wanna come back to my place?”

The psychological implications of such behavior and interaction cannot be overlooked! Think about how his parents will feel once they discover, after weeks of ostensible absence, that their son has been crying in his bathroom for days at a time because of the inevitable flush of love. Oh Cameron– it wasn’t your fault! Maxine didn’t run away, and she certainly isn’t cheating on you with another man. Snap out of it!

Thus I remain with great skepticism in my heart, and even brawnier fear that this invention might only lead to the untellable cataclysm of tech-communication…

.B.Wolf.

11 04 2008
tobygrace

The estimable Baron Wolfhopper raises the specter of unrequited love and this is not to be discounted. None the less we must take a broad view. Think of the valuable lesson young Cameron has learned regarding the transitory nature of infatuation and how inexpensively he has had this tutition. It has not been necessary for him to purchase flowers or theater tickets, nor to pick up tabs for dinner and drinks. The urinal cake, sufficient unto itself, has merely whispered sweet nothings and made no claims nor insisted upon entitlements. Cameron has learned not to be ensorceled by a lilting voice or to judge by shallow impressions. These are pearls of wisdom beyond price and yet he has had them at no cost other than that of emotional dislocation. And on a more hopeful plateau, we take note of the good Baron’s elegant turn of phrase “the inevitable flush of love” but must also take issue with it, pointing out that indeed the flush occurs and reoccurs BUT, Maxine the cake REMAINS! She does not go down the drain in one fell swoop but stays yet awhile, her duty to continue. Thus we have before us a lesson in the durabilty of the search for love, which does not die abruptly but springs afresh from each new flush. Of course, in the fullness of time, Maxine will wither and vanish as must all creatures – but this is the natural course of events and does not detract from the beautiful story of the caress of concern and gentle admonition she perfectly exemplifies

18 06 2008
Tim

Darling what is Felatio ?, and does it have anything to do with foot tapping ? You are & always will be my hero ! much love Timmy

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