Sister Mary Catherine Was SOOO Wrong!

24 04 2008

They told you it would grow hair on your palms. They said it would make you crazy and cross your eyes. The  sternly intoned that nice boys didn’t do it. Well guess what? They were ALL full of shit! Once again, the wisdom of our forefathers has been turned to dust – right along with the flat earth, the myth of Adam and Eve and the Weapons of Mass Destruction- all fairy tales. Science, in its grand march forward into the bright new tomorrow, has now proved that masturbation is good for you! It actually prevents cancer! According to a BBC News report on April 16, researchers in Australia have found that carcinogens build up in the prostate if ejaculation does not occur regularly. After carefully studying a thousand men who had prostate cancer and one thousand, two hundred and fifty who did not, they found that men who ejaculated the most between  the ages of 20 and 50 were lest likely to get prostate cancer and those who came more than five times a week were a full third less likely to get it. Graham Giles of the Cancer Council of Victoria, leader of the research project, pointed out that ejaculation via intercourse could not be assumed to have the same protective effect because of the risks of sexually transmitted disease, which might themselves make the subject more prone to cancer.

So there it is – jack-off for long life. This raises all sorts of isues, chief among which would of course be the liability of churches – especially the Catholic Church, for fostering prostate cancer in generations of men by teaching masturbation is a sin. Tort lawyers attention! Line up and take numbers. Of course there are plenty of storefront churches and rural chapels that have preache that message but they haven’t any money. Judging by the lavish production made out of the Pope’s recent visit, the Church of Rome still has a few sheckels in the kitty, even after shelling our over a billion to settle the child abuse cases. I wasn’t raised a Catholic but many of my friends were – one in particular whom Sister Mary Catherine caught going at it in the boy’s room. She got busy with her ruler and he ate his meals standing up for a week. Sign me up as a witness! He showed me the red marks all over his very nicely formed ass. I did my best to sooth the pain, of course. Now, after a lifetime of exposure to cancer risk as a result of that terrible trauma, he can take drag Sister Mary C. out of that retirement convent in Arkansas, haul her into to court and OWN that rosary and two changes of whimple she calls hers. Afer that, we go for the big bucks. We could end up owning the whole Vatican!

Meanwhile, get out your porno and get busy

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2 responses

24 04 2008
Ruth

I got a kick out of your blog, Toby. Now, as a person of the female persuasion, I’m puzzled. Maybe research has proven that masturbation prevents cancer but have they proven that Sister was wrong? I mean, maybe you will just be a happy, blind, hairy-palmed guy with a lifetime supply of depilatory but with a really healthy prostate? (g)

R.

25 04 2008
Taylor Siluwe

LOL @ Ruth!!

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