Sidewalk Stupidity

7 05 2008

There’s a very entertaining collection of shorts at the Utube site in which we are treated to a collection of sidewalk preachers confronting young gays at Berkely. We have all encountered these incredibly self-righteous characters – most recently at the Equality Forum street fair in Philadelphia. They all seemed to have been trained in the same methods. They do not engage the listener in a normal speaking voice – it has to be a decibel range well above yours. They always look slightly over your head and past you while delivering their tirades, as though their eyes are fixed on the promised land. They never participate in actual theological discussion, preferring to hurl sound bytes and pat phrases. All attempts at argument are simply met by even higher decibel levels. It is interesting to reflect that we queers are the ones accused of having an “agenda” we are trying to force down society’s throat but I have never seen a queer activist standing on a street corner and screaming condemnations at random passersby. We don’t turn up with picket signs at church functions and annoy the faithful with shouted condemnations. We don’t send Christian teenagers to brain-washing camps in an effort to turn them queer. In today’s news is a story about a peaceful, Day of Silence observation being conducted by students at a southern university that was disrupted by seven fundie preachers who moved into the space the students had reserved for their own activity and ruined the event with their disruptive hate-mongering. Campus police didn’t stop them, presumably because of reluctance to interfere with “religion.” Also in today’s news is the report that the Methodists have affirmed their anti-homosexual regulations – which, among other things, allow ministers to refuse admission to queers. Personally, that’s fine with me. There’s no inducement on Earth that would get me to suffer through a Methodist Church service – or any other expression of¬†religious nonsense. However, it does point up a strategy queers ought to consider; starting our own religion! There’s ample precedent in ancient history for a religion based on the worship of the phallus. I won’t presume to suggest what direction our lesbian sisters should take with this idea but I’m sure they could design their own version. Had we declared ourselves to be a religion instead of a social reform/political movement, we could even now be participating in the blanket immunity from attack our PC culture affords any and every con-artist, preacher and half baked rabble rouser who declares himself to be the voice of The Lord. You don’t need a theology that makes sense. You don’t need to produce any actual miracles. All you really need is a half dozen catch phrases and the ability to out-shout people on the sidewalk. Once you get a bit ahead, you rent a storefront. After that, you build a mega-church that looks like the astrodome and pretty soon you are holding prayer meetings at the White House. It is a technique that has been proven over and over again. We’ve already got the ancient, historic precedents – just google phallus worship and see what turns up. You’ll be amazed. So, lets get this off the ground – the Church of The Sacred Dick. I’m entertaining all suggestions for the theological content. Send in your ideas now. God will bless you.




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