Chance To Make Many Dollars

1 10 2008

Very Dear U.S. Taxpayer Person:

My name is Mrs. Snicker Codwallop and I am writing to you from my deathbed in hospital in Placeyouneverheardof, Nigeria. Before I die lingering, painful but fast coming death due to frightful disease, I want you to know about big chance to get rich fast. My late husband, Mr. Snicker Codwallop, was Head President, Chief Teller and loan officer of First International Universal Trust-In-The-Lord Bank and Storm Door Company of Lagos, Nigeria. He die and leave me bank – also two goats – but goats not part of deal. I keep goats. I not negotiate about goats.

So, now we get to big money part of deal. Big hearted U.S. government is going to buy billions of dollars worth of stupid, really dumb investments from all banks who were run by ignorant, greedy people who thought money grows on trees. Well, guess what? They were right. It does. Last night an angel appeared unto me (I’m on my death death bed remember – these things happen) Angel said to me “Mrs. Codwallop…” I said, “Call me Beverly, please.” (That not my real name but you know, this angel a stranger and I no fool. Next thing, maybe asking me for my credit card numbers or something.) So, Angel say “OK Beverly. I know that not your name, me being angel and able to know stuff and all (which proofs he real angel) but I go along. I come give you secret info, make ever-body real rich, because you good Christian woman and on death bed and have goats to provide for. You tell American peoples this big chance. Ever-body who buy something really stupid, like Hummer, or mortgage that has no fixed rate but changes randomly, or stock shares in company like Lehman that doesn’t really do anything but own stock in other companies that own stock in other companies that maybe, somewhere way down the line, actually do some work, or whole series DVD package of “Survivor” or “The Apprentice,” or a McDonald’s Happy Meal or anything else that is really dumb way to throw money in toilet, can REJOICE! U.S. Government, who loves you like mother, is going to give back all money you piss away like fool! Now Cynthia, which is you real name, not Beverly (you see? I tell you this real angel!) You got raggedy-ass little bank but what you don’t got is dumb U.S. investments. So – you tell all U.S. peoples who got mortgages they can’t pay and Hummers they wish they never met to give all that to you because you a stupid, greedy banker, which is all qualification you need to get zillions of bucks from wonderful congress. Then you send U.S. peoples 10% of what you get, to be fair. Right now they got bubkas, so 10% is a lot. OK? Get busy with emails.”

So OK, wonderful U.S. broke peoples, send me your mortgages, deeds, bank account numbers and credit card info, hurry up fast. Remember I dying and not much time to do all this paper work. After I collect from Congress, send you check for sure. Promise. After all, you bought that really stupid mortgage that had no fixed interest rate so why you not believe me when I got real angel tell us what to do?

With All My Love, Mrs. Snicker Codwallop (Cynthia to you)

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