“A Kiss Is Just A Kiss”

22 02 2010

A kiss is just a kiss, except at Mercer County college that is. The uproar caused by campus security over last weeks’ LGBTF “Kiss In” (the “F” is for Friends, by the way) leaves one wondering where the officers have been ever since 1970 or so. Face it troops, this is the Family Guy era. Times have changed just a bit. Us queers do kiss – oh yes we do. We do a lot more than that but not in the dining hall so you really didn’t need to worry. Times haven’t changed to that extent. What is clear from the whole episode is that campus security needs some intensive training sessions. For one thing, getting between two lesbians who are kissing is a SERIOUS tactical error. You just do not do that if you want to survive. Gay boys are usually more tractable but lesbians are NOT going to give you an inch on this one. The only people in the gay world who you even less want to piss off are drag queens and security can be very thankful there were none of them in character and participating. Being whacked on the head with an 8 inch stiletto heel is a learning experience you want to avoid.

Moving right along, interpersonal communications in an academic environment should be a topic on the training agenda. “Shut the fuck up, asshole,” is not generally considered to be the sort of elevated discourse parents pay good money to have their young ones exposed to on campus – not at least, when used in an official capacity. However, such a phrase could be classified as instructional and perhaps it is intended as part of a new, pithy, down-to-earth style of “eduspeak”. Fashions change so quickly in education that we may be behind the curve. Perhaps the college is inaugurating a whole new way of communicating. Gone, maybe, are the days of the semi-pompous, convoluted phrasing of the here-to-fore standard official memo. Instead of announcements reading something like “faculty are reminded of the importance of delivering grades by such and such a date in order to ensure timely transmission of data to appropriate repositories…” we may expect something more like “listen fools, get your shit in on time or hit the bricks.” It might work!

Next we need to more carefully delineate the parameters of power. “I can do whatever I want,” is a statement that does not seem to reflect the fullest possible understanding of the proper role of a security guard. Even Her Majesty The Queen can not do “whatever” she wants. She can do a lot, true – a whole lot more than a campus guard. She could, in theory, shoot someone dead on the street and not be held to account (dream on, campus guards!) but there are things even she can not do. Now, we climb way, way, way down the social ladder – so far down (compared to The Queen)  we need a snorkel – and we get to campus guards. The list of things a campus guard can not do is encyclopedic. The list of things they should not do is even longer. High on that list is get excited about two kids kissing – or fifty kids kissing for that matter. Kids fighting, being abusive, destroying property, selling hard drugs … now those would be activities to take an interest in…. but kissing…??? One would have thought security would be grateful that such was the program of the day, as opposed to all those other evil things kids are routinely suspected of.

Of course, to be fair, one must look at security’s side of the question. Kissing clearly can lead straight on to other things. Let’s see – friendship for one – perhaps even love – and those of us with experience of life know all too well how totally disruptive love can be. One loses sleep, daydreams, moons about, tires one’s friends with endless agonizing over the intentions of the beloved. Oh yes – love is certainly a problem . No doubt from the vantage point of the old, security was merely attempting to  save the students from such a dreadful fate. Perhaps they should be thanked instead of chastised.

Finally we must consider security’s stated concern for the welfare of the on-lookers who were exposed to kissing while trying to eat lunch. Let’s see if we can make a connection here between bad lunch and good kissing. Hmmm… No, sorry, nothing comes to mind. In fact, if kissing had a negative effect on digestion, every dinner theater in the country would be out of business. It seems the reverse is the case. Check the listings – dinner theaters NEVER produce Hamlet. They always do romantic comedies – but always. There you have it – the experts, the people whose bread-and-butter rests on informed evaluation of this burning question come down squarely on the side of exposure to kissing during meals. Case closed.

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